i guess there are some things that are respectfully left out of the livejournal experience. i have taken a lot more time and patience with living my life rather then describing it in full detail for mostly strangers. that is not to say there isn't something cathartic about doing so, but that lost it's appeal awhile ago. having kept this thing fairly religiouly in some form or another for almost seven years (not to mention stacks of handwritten journals going as far back as second grade), i have been able to look back at myself, my ideas and opinions, my experiences, and see how they have evolved and changed throughout my life. i have had so many people come and go, important people have lived and died in my presence, and i am a greater person because of it.
i have not found religion, just the peace and happiness found in the trivial daily tasks of living alongside an ever-changing, fast paced, intellectual consumerist society that has allowed so much static get in the way of the beauty of life. the sematic debates, dogmatic fundamentalism (not just christian, as we all know punk rockers are the elitest and most judgemental of them all when it comes to what you are/are not allowed to do with your body/mind/art), as well as the hatred and bile that consume so many people, who cherish their anger as a gift rather then recognize it as a liability.
i think that constructive expression of frustration is what art is created out of, but if we do not learn to grow and accept peoples differences, accept their ideas and judgements and beliefs, then we perpetuate the stagnation of humanity.
we allow ourselves to be utterly destroyed by emotional overload. i myself have caved into empathy to the point of trying to change other people's lives in my own image, as if i have better answers, or expert advice, rather then allowing them to experience their ups and downs and learn from mistakes as i have. does that mean mistakes are absent from my life? never, on the path to enlightment i am stumbling and falling and catching my breath in a corner while the party goes on around me. i have no answers.
my close friend, one of very few women i have been open, honest, and trusting with, passed away on october 16, 2005 in her birthplace of bend, oregon, alongside her beautiful daughter cora, and her seven month old son, cain, who was born three months premature but is doing wonderfully thanks to the loving care of his mother. nicole was a close friend, closer through our bond of motherhood. we discussed her being zoe's godmother, a task i had originally given up on after asking lela (not ready), jarred (not able), and robbie and xsavior (who fit the bill, though offically divoved they maintain a good role in her life). i wish i would have told her yes. i wish she would have known how important she was to me. i wish i could tell her how much she helped me realize who i am, and how unimportant superficial things like music taste, clothing, overanalyzing books, and thinking way too much about things that matter very little in the end, when they are playing knocking on heaven's door in a cramped chapel with crying long-lost relatives and uncomfortable silences.
i wish i could have talked to her. we never had a real fight in our entire relationship, often joking that we were the two most unlikely people to be friends, which made us ever closer. she had a rough life. she contributed to helping support and build a girl hurts, as well as wrote a wonderful article for the 8th issue of ceres is hella gay that i will reprint soon as to remember her contributions to our little ceres universe.
i loved her as a friend. i loved her as a sister. her family will always be in my thoughts, and i hope that she rests in peace, and found her place in the sun.